The women in my family are of stern stuff. “Weaklings cry.” Showing vulnerability is weakness and weakness will be exploited. I learned very early in my life to hide my emotions and keep my true self camouflaged. It was as if I knew I had to protect my child self and anticipated unwrapping her when it was safe, letting her be free.
I’ve done a lot of therapy to find and set that part of me free. That vulnerable side that had kept me safe from the women in my life. What happens though with a lot of victims is they become the abuser.
Where I see myself as someone who defends women I know that I also am poisonous for some men. Typically I know it instantly or within a few exchanges. Sometimes I’ve told myself that as long as they stay in the friend zone they are safe. That isn’t the truth though.
When I see men exhibiting specific vulnerabilities or insecurities it causes a switch to go off inside of me. I have tried to rewire that switch but it just manages to reset itself again and again. It senses a man who we know we can emotionally manipulate and hurt. Hurt is the main objective. As much as I hate admitting let alone writing this I know I love showing them how I see them as weak and therefore pathetic. Do I recognize that it’s some large scale “daddy didn’t keep me safe from those bitches so now I am repulsed by men who I perceive as weak?” Of course. Any dime store shrink would see that writing on the wall.
The best thing for these men is when I am rude and dismissive or completely ignore them. Once I feed into that nefarious predator inside of me she usually wants more. Best to starve the bitch and deprive her of an emotional play toy. I haven’t found a cure or solution to the predator inside of me. Instead I keep men around who I know won’t allow her the satisfaction. When she sleeps it’s peaceful.